I'm not strong enough

I've come to realize that hard times push me to write. I wish that I was a blogger, living to express my daily experiences and worldview. However, if I can wake up in time for work, manage to walk all day in major heels, answer all my emails politely, and eat a relatively healthy meal before falling asleep to my neighbor's yappy dog...I feel like I have achieved a lot.

However, suffering and pain brings out who we are at our core. Our inner "tickings" are laid bare for anyone who walks by. Over the past few months, my dear mum has been fighting liver disease. As her health went from poor to bad, I've wrestled to understand and found my self using the word "why" an awful lot. Why is this happening? Why can't the doctor's fix her now? Why are none of the tests making sense? Why do I have to wear those terrible felt masks?

I started this blog, inspired by Julie & Julia, when I was fifteen. I have literally three followers. Since I highly doubt this blog will be life-changing to anyone, I won't even attempt to say how I've found peace, how I trust completely. I do trust, I do KNOW that God who began a good work WILL BE FAITHFUL to complete it. But do I BELIEVE that at the core of who I am when the rubber is hitting the road? Yes - but I have to CHOOSE to believe. Its a daily wrestle to PUT my faith in the author and finisher of my faith, in Jehovah Rapha - MY MOM'S HEALER!

All I want is to see my mom is no pain, to not ache as I see her struggle to eat and too weak to walk. I want to stop breaking down in tears in the middle of work because the pain is too great. I'm tired of being STRONG. Then I remember....I am not strong. I am not BUT HIM WHO IS IN ME is strong. See that's the beauty of it; I can be weak because He is strong. Through Him, my mom's spirit can run and not grow weary. The beauty of the gospel is that He did it all.

So no, I'm not strong. I'm the weakest person you know. I may stand tall in my 4-inch heels and fabulous linen suit but when it comes to walking through the fire, I can't do it on my own. That's why I cling to the promise: His mercies are NEW every morning.

If the three followers are indeed listening, pray for mom. She needs a new liver. I'm terrified to think about what tomorrow, what next month, and what next year is going to look like.

There is a cry, rising out of the depth of my being. Have you ever felt so deeply that you just need a release? Just to be heard in the silence of no audience? I want to send this out to the atmosphere, to the silence and to the peace. As I wrestle with emotions, I hear the voice of my savior, "Come to me....Let my heart be yours tonight. Peace be still. Peace be still. Peace be still and know that I am God" (Rush of Fools, Peace be still). There is one who hears the groans of soul; there is one who knows the depth of my heart. There is an Almighty King who knows the pain and confusion that wrestles to drown me.

I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo Norman
God My God, I cry out
your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
and take my doubt
your kindness is what pulls me up,
your love is all that draws me in


I will lift my eyes
to the maker, of the mountains
I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to calmer, of the oceans
raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer, of the hurt
I hold inside

I will lift my eyes,
lift my eyes to you

I'm giving my life to the only One who makes the moon reflect the sun.
Every starry night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only Son,who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause He is everything.

the stars were so bright tonight. radiant, luminous, terrestrial. i was in awe, while staring up into the heavens, that the CREATOR/INVENTOR of all of those stars not only knows each star by name but LOVES ME. He is in love with me. That simply blows my mind away. I really can't comprehend how he loves me and the depth of that love. if love is an ocean, i would be drowning. in fact, i was drowning in sin and God came, rich in his love and mercy, and breathed his life giving breath into me. He brought me back from the depth of my sin and transformed me into a vessel of honor for him, his cherished daughter. am i the only one that is completely blown away by the fact that the king of the universe loves me and treasures me?

day four of the snowpocalypse

craft project of the day: a felt bird keychain

baking project of the day: fudge cupcakes with chocolate frosting

pure survival

by saturday morning, the bread aisle at walmart was completely empty. any mention of a storm involving ice and snow has carrolltonians running stock to their pantries, movie collections, and art projects. after three days of being stuck at home due to icy roads, we've worn out monopoly, old tv shows, and mom's patience. so it was time to pull out the crafts. is it a sign of desperation and intense cabin fever that i made a fabric stuffed owl? with button eyes? still, i think he's adorable.i need a worthy name.

--warning:photo taken by my point and shoot. don't judge.--

white sheet + neon paint + deanna and becky + dancing on the sheet + finger painting = crazy art (or a rave toga)




Art. the creation of works of beauty or significance.

Art is something that varies in the eye of the beholder. there is no absolute way to art, no precise answer, no wrong way to arrange symbols.

Maybe that is why i love art so much. there is no one saying that my hideous stick person, my puny daisy, my blend of lines, or my distorted tree is not art. yes, maybe it is not appealing, but art is for everyone.

....mississippi mudslide frappe courtesy of my new mr. coffee frappe maker....