I'm not strong enough

I've come to realize that hard times push me to write. I wish that I was a blogger, living to express my daily experiences and worldview. However, if I can wake up in time for work, manage to walk all day in major heels, answer all my emails politely, and eat a relatively healthy meal before falling asleep to my neighbor's yappy dog...I feel like I have achieved a lot.

However, suffering and pain brings out who we are at our core. Our inner "tickings" are laid bare for anyone who walks by. Over the past few months, my dear mum has been fighting liver disease. As her health went from poor to bad, I've wrestled to understand and found my self using the word "why" an awful lot. Why is this happening? Why can't the doctor's fix her now? Why are none of the tests making sense? Why do I have to wear those terrible felt masks?

I started this blog, inspired by Julie & Julia, when I was fifteen. I have literally three followers. Since I highly doubt this blog will be life-changing to anyone, I won't even attempt to say how I've found peace, how I trust completely. I do trust, I do KNOW that God who began a good work WILL BE FAITHFUL to complete it. But do I BELIEVE that at the core of who I am when the rubber is hitting the road? Yes - but I have to CHOOSE to believe. Its a daily wrestle to PUT my faith in the author and finisher of my faith, in Jehovah Rapha - MY MOM'S HEALER!

All I want is to see my mom is no pain, to not ache as I see her struggle to eat and too weak to walk. I want to stop breaking down in tears in the middle of work because the pain is too great. I'm tired of being STRONG. Then I remember....I am not strong. I am not BUT HIM WHO IS IN ME is strong. See that's the beauty of it; I can be weak because He is strong. Through Him, my mom's spirit can run and not grow weary. The beauty of the gospel is that He did it all.

So no, I'm not strong. I'm the weakest person you know. I may stand tall in my 4-inch heels and fabulous linen suit but when it comes to walking through the fire, I can't do it on my own. That's why I cling to the promise: His mercies are NEW every morning.

If the three followers are indeed listening, pray for mom. She needs a new liver. I'm terrified to think about what tomorrow, what next month, and what next year is going to look like.